Monday, December 17, 2012

being held together

I felt like yelling. Getting mad at someone. But there was no one to get mad at. Certainly not God. He was the only thing that was keeping me through this whole thing. He was the only certain thing.

Monday, December 10, 2012

letting go

God has a good plan for my life.
I believe that. But only for my future. I forget that God is working in my life right now. And it is good.
That is hard. Because circumstances don't appear good.
It comes back to trusting God.
Do I trust Him?
Do I believe Him good?
Cognitively? Yes.
In my actions? Not always.
God is teaching me to trust Him. Trust Him to work my life for good.
I have no control. Over anything.
I tried for a long, long time to dictate circumstances and make things go the way I wanted them to go.
Guess what? I can't control my life.
The only thing I have is prayer. Which is so powerful. A lot more powerful than me.
It hurt so bad to realize I couldn't make what I wanted happen.
But I am so glad God brought me to the end of myself.
Now I can stop trying to control.
Now I can trust Him. Completely.

..... for now. I'll blow it again. Soon.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

most of the air

Most of the air I pump out of these lungs is 
toxic but you breathe it,  
and you love me, and you want me. 
And I want you from your essence to your skin. 
I’m wanting to present the best of me; all I have is this.

Most of the air I pump out of these lungs is 
toxic but you breathe it, 
and you love me, and you want me. 
What am I to have that you’re so sure? 
You sought me without flag so I know. 
I know.

-Zach Winters

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


Do I trust God? I thought I did. But that was just because life was going my way. As soon as things weren't happening the way I thought they should it all fell apart. I fell apart. But in so many ways, I am so glad it happened. It opened my eyes to my self-dependence. It caused me to have to rely on the Father. Even when I didn't understand. Even when it didn't (and still doesn't) appear the circumstances will change. God is bigger than my problems. He is good. And because I am His child, He is working in my life to bring about my good. Trust. It sure isn't easy, but when you do (trust) it is the sweetest thing.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

despite us

Sometimes, I think about how I am going to marry someone that will be rude and unfeeling, and in the same way, I will be selfish and hurtful. That is a depressing thought. Thankfully for him, God's grace is bigger than my sin. And for me, God uses other's sin to make me more like His Son.

Friday, September 21, 2012

can i live here forever?

Sometimes a photo is so wonderful that it must be blogged about. That is the case with this photograph. I just had to share it with you because it makes my heart that happy.

I found this picture on this blog post. Which you should check out, because it is fabulous. Actually, the whole blog is pretty wonderful.

Lately, I have become obsessed with the idea of having someone play me music, as is evidenced by my last blog post, and so when I saw this picture I kinda freaked out just a little bit.

You see, this room looks so inviting and cozy that I want to live there. All my favorite things are in this photo. A cat cleaning itself, a messy bed, a guitar, a comfy chair to read in, lots of plants and greenery, and amazing window light. What more could a girl ask for?

Saturday, September 1, 2012

write me a song

Recently at work I was listening to my Pandora station and a song by Passion Pit came up. I often read the biographies about the bands and this time was no exception.

Apparently, Michael Angelakos, wrote a six song ep for his girlfriend for Valentine's day. Soon after, the CD began to circulate and people wanted more. Thus the band was formed.

The point of the story, was not to confess my undying love for Passion Pit. Or even tell you about a really neat way a band started. But instead say, as I was reading this, I realized that if someone wrote me music I would be the happiest girl alive.
Now I must confess to not putting too much stock in the holiday. But if you choose to write me music to celebrate the day, I am quite sure you wouldn't hear any complaint uttered from my lips. It wouldn't have to be anything extraordinary, just you and your instrument of choice...I like guitars....a lot.

Lately I have been craving guitar music. More specifically, I want someone to play music. To me. And sing. Do you know how much I would love that?

In fact, it doesn't even have to be for me, I can just be the same room as the musician, and I would be quite happy. If I had a glass of lemonade and my knitting I would be prepared to sit for hours listening to you mess around on the guitar.

Certainly listening to this, doesn't help ease my craving.

Will someone have pity on me and play me music?

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

life without justine #23

I am different person out in public and with friends. I have found I talk more. And to my great surprise I can hold my own in conversation.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Saturday, June 9, 2012

that time when i locked myself out of the car

I locked myself out of the car. In the middle of practically nowhere.

Grandma and I went to visit Justine today. When we got to The Ranch, Justine was outside the chapel waiting for us.

After hugging her hello, we all got in the car and drove over to the building Justine was staying at, to get her laundry. Once there, I grabbed everything I had brought along to give to Justine, got out of the car, hit the locks, and started up toward her room. Halfway there I realized I was blocking someone from getting out and it looked like they were getting ready to leave. I asked if they would like me to move my car and they said yes. I started back towards the car juggling everything in my hands, as I attempted to locate my keys. It was then that I realized the truth. I didn't have them. Sure enough there they were sitting in the console where I had tossed them.

I immediately felt sick, however was I going to tell Dad? The worst was that usually I am so very careful, I check to make sure I have my keys before I lock the car and close the door, but this time I didn't.

I remembered that Dad had an extra key in a box under his car. Desperately, I felt under his car for the box. It wasn't there. I hiked back over to girls waiting for me to move my car and shame-facedly told them that I had locked my keys in the car. They were so gracious about it.
Meanwhile, Justine checked under the car for the box. She too came up empty handed.

Lindsay ran over to greet me, and I tried really hard to be excited to see her, because I was, but I felt so sick about what I had done that I am afraid my greeting was half hearted. She walked  me partway over to the office.

When I had almost reached the office I saw my friend Suzanna, I screamed her name and hugged her, careful not to touch her with my greasy hand. I asked Suzanna how her week had gone, but I was so preoccupied that I didn't get to talk with her the way I had hoped. She walked with me the rest of the way to the office where I called my parents. Mom answered and she got Dad to confirm that indeed, a box should be under the car.

Dad made sure to tell me that if I had left my keys in the ignition that the car wouldn't have locked. I am afraid I didn't take this as graciously as I should have, I was a bit frustrated. That was wonderful, but the fact of the matter was that I hadn't left my keys in the ignition, I had left them on the console. And what was done was done.

I went back to look again, with Suzanna in tow, while Justine went to find someone to see if they had the tools to get the car unlocked. All she found was Rhett with a coat hanger. He needed to talk to someone, so the four of us, Grandma, Suzanna, Justine, and I, stood and waited for him. Daniel saw us and came over to say hello. We explained the situation and then we all went over to look at the car.

Thankfully, the girls were waiting for me to move my car found a different way out.

 Daniel knew someone who had the tools: wedges, wire, et cetera, so he walked over to get them, I walked with him to call Dad.

Once I had Dad on the phone I asked him if he would be willing to let Daniel try and get in the car. Dad naturally said no. What I didn't realize was that, in Dad's mind he saw someone with a coat hanger scratching up his car. He didn't realize that we actually had tools to get the car unlocked.

Dad called roadside assistance and told me he would call me back.

So while Daniel was putting away the tools, I slid under the car to check for sure that the box was indeed not there. It really wasn't.

Suzanna left to go lay down and rest.

As I was talking to Justine about it, she realized that Dad didn't understand that we had to correct equipment, so she called Dad back right away and explained, and because she was Justine, Dad told her that we could try.

We got Daniel back out to car and he began to work on it. And guys, after a few minutes, he got it open! I was so, so, so happy.

In fact, for the rest of the afternoon, every few minutes I would say, "Guys! Daniel *unlocked* the car for us!" Just like that, because I was so happy. So happy.

We gave Daniel muffins that we had made, later that afternoon, to show our appreciation, but didn't even begin to express how happy and thankful I was.

The whole thing was an adventure. I handled it well sometimes and other times I wasn't as composed as I should have been. I know it didn't help that I was so very hungry. I had eaten breakfast at about eight and was looking forward to lunch when we got there. I actually was hungry at eleven when we left Tulsa, little did I know it would be three more hours before I ate.

I was so shaky by the time the car was open. And even after eating it took me a couple of hours to feel better. What can I say? I just need to eat every three hours.

God used this in my life today. Even if I didn't want it to happen. He reminded me that I am human and make mistakes. Even if I am super careful, I still mess up. He reminded me that He is caring for me and it is not necessary for me to freak out over stuff. Guess what? The car *did* get unlocked. Just like I knew it would. Overreacting is silly. Did I expect to be locked out of my car for the rest of my life? Also, just having Daniel there, was so nice. He was so calm about it, it reminded me that, truly, it was not worth sinning over. God also showed me that in a lot of ways, because of His grace in my life, I was able to be a lot calmer then my fleshed wanted me to be.

And everything worked out.

We were able to go into town and eat lunch, get ingredients for muffins, and come back to The Ranch and bake.

And now I am listening to Zach Winters so my day is infinitely better.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

house sitting, yoga pants, and adorable kittens

Just to warn you, this post consists entirely of my ramblings and the past week for me.

Well. I am here. House sitting. It could be for a week, it could be for a little over two weeks.  I do have internet here, but it isn't wireless, so I have to be in the back bedroom, plugged into the wall, sitting on the floor.

Packing turned out not to be a big deal. I packed all my clothes in a laundry basket and brought a bag of toiletries. Have we ever discussed the insanity of how many toiletries I need and use? I don't understand it. And I don't even wear makeup! I threw the other items I needed into the car and then Mom and I bagged up food for me to bring.

I don't plan on going home, because with working so much I won't be here very often and the dog needs me. Yes, home is only ten minutes away, but ten minutes turns into twenty and then thirty, at the very least, and I really need to be here any time that I can. I have decided to not take any evening babysitting jobs while house sitting, for safety reasons and because the dog needs me here. I also won't be shopping or doing anything with friends.

It is going to work out just fine. I took this job, not because I was looking forward to it, nor because wanted to do it, but for two reasons, first because I want to be of help to them, and second, because I knew I could do it. Have fun? Maybe not. Be completely able to do it? Totally.

I am just hoping I sleep well while I am here. The past two weeks haven't been the easiest for me. For about a week I didn't sleep. Okay, okay. I *did* sleep. But not very well. It would take me between an hour to two hours to fall asleep and once I did I would sleep lightly and wake up many times throughout the night. Plus that week I was just getting over a virus and I was working a ton. By Wednesday of last week I couldn't handle it anymore. I wasn't able to function. As I sat there, that evening, trying to stay awake, I racked my mind trying to figure out what the cause of the problems might be. Not sleeping, wasn't like me. Normally I sleep quite well. The last time something like this had happened, it had turned out that I had an infection in my mouth where I had recently gotten one of my wisdom teeth removed. That wasn't the case this time.

The only thing I could think of was that I had noticed my stand up fan was blowing harder. I don't have a ceiling fan, so I have a fan at the end of my bed. I had just cleaned it out the week before and it was now working properly. In an act of desperation, I moved my fan back abut two feet from my bed and turned it away from me a little. Guess what? I slept very well. The whole issue had been that I was too cold at night.

Unfortunately, I got to bed too late the next two nights and then worked very hard on Saturday and by Sunday I was so tired that I just couldn't even handle it again. I spent the day either in my bed or on the couch.

On Thursday evening, Kerra, Caitlin, and I went over to our friend Aubry's apartment. She made us potato soup and we spent the evening catching up. I spent the evening laying on her couch trying to stay awake. My favorite part of the evening? Aaron sang a The Head and The Heart song to me. I was so happy.

 My parents had a dinner party on Friday evening, so I went with Laura and Suzanna to the Coffee House on Cherry Street. I had never been there before, it was lovely. I had a cappuccino. It was the perfect thing for me to do. I have had a busy and stressful day and laughing with two friends and encouraging each other in the Lord was just what I needed.

Saturday, I woke up and cleaned the house and then drove to The Ranch to visit Justine, we did her laundry and then headed into town for an ice cream and a jar of peanut butter. Because it was Justine I was visiting, when we went over to the staff lounge she got the bright idea of cleaning the kitchen. So I took everything out of the pantry, refrigerator, and the freezer, threw away all the expired food, wiped out the pantry and fridge, and then put everything back in. Meanwhile, Justine wiped down all the counters, cleaned the sink, microwave, and stove, and washed all the dishes. When we were done with that, we swept the whole place. By the time we were finished I was so tired. Justine and I went back to her "room" and just sat there for about an hour, not saying anything. Then Justine declared that she was going to cut her bangs, so she did. While I ate Nutella.

It was a fun trip down to see her. I was so tired on the drive home that I kept looking out the side window of the car to keep myself from staring unseen out the front of the car. I got home and crawled into bed.

On Sunday, I barely made it through Sunday School, but I was a lot better for the service, after church I came home and crashed. I watched a tv show my dad wanted me to watch and then I crawled into bed and listened to the two new Zach Winters cds I had just gotten. (Which I have to add, if you haven't ever listened to Zach Winters before PLEASE do. You won't be sad. Here,I will even provide a link to a song.) That evening Dad wanted me to go with him to get a root beer float. I really didn't feel up to it, but I didn't want to disappoint Dad, so I went. Before we left I mentioned the fact that I didn't want to change clothes, and Dad looked and me and told me I looked fine and didn't have to change. I was so happy. So I went in my button up sleep shirt and a pair of yoga pants.

Since it is getting to be dinnertime and I need to come up with something to eat, I will close with this *adorable* photo that I saw on pinterest this week.

life without justine #20

Who is going to push bobby pins back into my bun, tell me that my breath smells bad, or give me a look to remind me to stop interrupting?

life without justine #19

Not gonna lie, our bathroom is way tidier then it ever was when she was here.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Sunday, June 3, 2012

life without justine #16

I can't look over her shoulder at her sermon notes to write down the last half of the sermon point that I missed.

life without justine #15

The comb that I use in the shower, stays there. I don't have to get out, dripping wet, halfway through my shower to find it.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

life without justine #10

There is no one to tell me if my outfit looks good, if my hair is fine, which shoes to wear, or tie my scarf for me.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

life without justine #9

So many things are happening to her that I am not a part of and I too am experiencing things she can't share with me.

Saturday, May 26, 2012



  It was bittersweet. The four of us together. Only for a short time, though. A few hours. It was our last time together until September. None of us were willing to talk about it.

Justine hugged us all at least three times before we left.

In two short weeks, Kerra will be out of the country for the summer.

Caitlin will be here working, as will I, but I won't be able to see her as often as I am accustomed to doing.

And Justine, of course, will be be at The Ranch. I will be able to visit on Saturdays and Caitlin will occasionally come along. But it will never be The Four.

It was fun to go and see how much fun Justine was having. It makes me excited to think about visiting her this summer. It is still odd for me to think about Justine experiencing so many things that I am not a part of.

Because it was the last time we were all together we had to take some photos.


life without justine #5

No is there to remind me to be nice to people and not interrupt.

life without justine #4

Who is going to watch a Rockford Files with me in the evenings?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

taking photos once again

Last weekend we had a friend over, and because of the nature of the visit we spent most of the evening outside. I had been suffering from allergies all week and really shouldn't have been outside at all. But since I had gone out earlier in the day and our guest was outside, I decided to throw caution to the wind and go out. I had been itching to take my camera out all week, but had been too sick to do so. I was finally able to take pictures again. The sun was just setting so I was able to get the first four shots with the delicious light that comes with a sunset. The last four photos were taken in the backyard with hardly any light left in the sky at all, but I was so happy to be taking photographs that I hardly noticed. With the exceptions of #2, 3, 7, all of these are freelensed.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Monday, May 21, 2012

tie clips

Well, since it has almost been a month since I last blogged, I suppose I should write something.

After spending a week on the beach in Florida, coming back to Oklahoma wasn't easy. In fact, my body rebelled. I think the combination of eating camp food and barely sleeping caused my immune system to be sad. I came home exhausted and promptly got sick. At first we thought it allergies, but now I believe it probably was a virus.

Anyways, for the first half of the week I pushed through it and worked, but by the second half of the week, when I didn't have to work, I gave in and spend my days on the couch.

This past week seems to have taken forever. Getting well is boring. I have become quite tired of just sitting. But, I must say
my pinterest flourished.

I have discovered that not only do I have a deep love for ties, but also for tie clips.

I kind of got wild with the tie clip photos. Sorry guys.  I will stop now.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

high-waisted with pleats

I really feel like this should be shared. Please observe the man's pants. They are high-waisted and pleated. I wish this was coming back into style.

And that is all I had to share.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

apart for the first time

I just realized the awful truth. Justine is going to be gone all summer.

The longest we have been apart is overnight. How am I supposed to deal with this?

It is strange to think that not only will Justine be gone, but she will be meeting people and making new friends and they won't know who I am and I won't know who they are. We have always shared friends. This will be the first time that people will know only one of us.

I don't know what I will do when I can't tell Justine things. She is practically the only person I talk to on a regular basis. Not that I have a lot to say, but it is the principle of the thing.

Good news. I can visit her on Saturdays. Which I most certainly will be doing.

In a lot of ways I am not looking forward to this summer, read: Justine not being by my side constantly. But on the flip side I am looking forward to this summer, read: Working more, thus making more money.

Despite the fact that I have some misgivings about this summer, I expect it will be a good thing for all of us.

*Update*  I thought I would share this photo of Justine and I when we were small.

Monday, April 9, 2012

spring in photographs

  This spring has been fun. The light has been delicious. And I have tried many new things in my photography. I have tried out different styles in my editing. I have used all types of light, be it backlight, harsh light, morning light, or evening light. I have been shooting manually more, both focus and exposure. I have even tried my hand at freelensing. Freelensing is where you take the lens off the front of your camera and hand hold it in front of the sensor. You can get very interesting focus and light. Here are 40 photographs taken this spring.