That is not to say I am discontent with my current situation. I love it. I love living with my parents. I love being a nanny. Helping other mothers is a privilege and a joy. But as I pick up other people's children, tidy other people's homes, put in other load of laundry, and clean up spills, I want all of it to be mine. I want to feed my children lunch, wipe my counters, pull weeds in my garden, and create a beautiful home. My home.
I am so excited to start my own life. Every moment of the in-between has been wonderful, but I am ready for it to be over. I don't want it to end tomorrow, but when I think of doing the same at this time next year with no change to my future, I become sad.
I have always wanted to be a mommy. I am ready. (I am certainly not perfect. Nor do I think that I won't continue to mature over the years.)
I don't expect life to start when I marry. I don't expect things to get easier. In fact, I expect them to get harder. Much harder. I will have another person depending on me, and hopefully, at some point, children to look after. I will no longer be merely responsible for myself. I won't have ultimate say in when I choose to go to bed, what I do with my time, and how I spend money. In fact, six months ago, all those things made me quite content to stay where I was. But not anymore.
I want my own garden. I want to paint my own walls. Pick out a sofa. Make floral arrangements.
I think I am still content, just ready for the next step. God knows what I need most right now. In His perfect timing He will give me a husband. Desperation has by no means set in, I am just ready. Quite ready.
I don't hold any illusions that it will be easy. I know how ugly it can get when you have to live with someone 24/7.
I am ready to:
- Go on coffee dates.
- Do projects around the house with a man. You know the kind that you both have your own ideas about how to do it and they don't match up and he had better hurry up because you can't hold whatever it is still another moment?
- Have someone there to point me to Christ. Even when I don't want to hear it.
- Enjoy being with someone. And they me.
- Provide a home for him to come back to.
- Figure out finances.
- Eat breakfast together. Quietly.
I love that I can trust God. He is faithful.