Friday, February 13, 2015

Losing sleep over sleep

I like to pretend that I don't struggle with anxiety or making up stories in my head, but I do. At night, I have to think about certain things to distract myself from worrying about the future. When I am staying over at other people's houses, like I am tonight, it doesn't work. Here I am, laying on the couch trying to sleep. All the kids are sleeping. But I am straining listening for them to move around in their beds or cough. One of them has a cold and had a rough night last night. I've done all I can for her, but I am laying here terrified she will wake up in the night and not be able to sleep. My stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. It's so silly. But real. I've asked Jesus to calm my anxious heart, reminding myself of Psalm 23, the psalm I read this morning. I wish I could escape, but since that's not an option I've turned to distraction, staring at my phone.

I like to think of myself as someone who takes life as it comes, unruffled and accepting. It's not true. God's been showing me that this semester as I have anxiously struggled through, terrified of the future and having to make decisions. I'm afraid to fail. I spent the first half of the day yesterday in misery because it all felt too much and I didn't think I could go on. I've found myself wishing someone would come and rescue me. I'm trusting in man and not in God!

God is faithful. He's proved Himself over and over. I must once again believe Him and trust Him. 

As I've typed this, I haven't heard one peep from the children. So far, my anxiety is for naught. I might as well sleep and if someone does wake up at 3am, I can deal with it then, and with a few hours of sleep under my belt. What's the worst that can happen? I sleep poorly? Not worth losing sleep over, I'd say. 

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