Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Satisfied

I've been recently informed that this blog is where I write lonely and sad posts about how I wish I weren't single. 
I'm sorry readers, I never meant for it to be this way. (Please read that and laugh, you were meant to.) 
Yes. I have days where I am discontent, apparently that's when I post on here, but in general I am quite content with my life. At least my martial state. I am always looking back and seeing how not ready I was to be married. 
I'm the most selfish. I lay in bed frequently and bless God that I am single and alone with an entire bed to myself. I can do what I want when I want and don't have to answer to a spouse. It's really quite lovely. 
So those of you who read my last post and assumed it was a reminder to myself that God is my only satisfaction not a man, you were mistaken. My lack of purpose in life is causing me angst. I want to know where I'm going in life  I want a job that "fulfills" me and makes me good enough in the eyes of the world. 
It's so silly. I will never be good enough. Only Christ is. And I must rely on Him. 
This semester I've been learning to put stock in God's word and not the world. It hasn't been easy and I am not there yet, but I am getting closer. 
In summary, yes I still desire to be married, it would be so much easier than trying to find a goal and purpose in this life; I could spend my days serving my spouse. But, God hasn't given me a husband and I am truly content in that. God may never give me a spouse, but He has given me His Son and His word. Currently, I'm struggling with wanting the world to pronounce me good enough and worthy of honor. I must rid myself of earthly thinking and look to Christ alone, the only one who will truly satisfy my heart. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

Losing sleep over sleep

I like to pretend that I don't struggle with anxiety or making up stories in my head, but I do. At night, I have to think about certain things to distract myself from worrying about the future. When I am staying over at other people's houses, like I am tonight, it doesn't work. Here I am, laying on the couch trying to sleep. All the kids are sleeping. But I am straining listening for them to move around in their beds or cough. One of them has a cold and had a rough night last night. I've done all I can for her, but I am laying here terrified she will wake up in the night and not be able to sleep. My stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. It's so silly. But real. I've asked Jesus to calm my anxious heart, reminding myself of Psalm 23, the psalm I read this morning. I wish I could escape, but since that's not an option I've turned to distraction, staring at my phone.

I like to think of myself as someone who takes life as it comes, unruffled and accepting. It's not true. God's been showing me that this semester as I have anxiously struggled through, terrified of the future and having to make decisions. I'm afraid to fail. I spent the first half of the day yesterday in misery because it all felt too much and I didn't think I could go on. I've found myself wishing someone would come and rescue me. I'm trusting in man and not in God!

God is faithful. He's proved Himself over and over. I must once again believe Him and trust Him. 

As I've typed this, I haven't heard one peep from the children. So far, my anxiety is for naught. I might as well sleep and if someone does wake up at 3am, I can deal with it then, and with a few hours of sleep under my belt. What's the worst that can happen? I sleep poorly? Not worth losing sleep over, I'd say. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Dad and I went to the Tag Agency to transfer the title of my new vehicle and they thought I was 16 and that this was my first car. Oops.