Friday, March 29, 2013

you look like a boy

The five-year-old and I were baking together.
Our conversation:
She asked me, "What's that on your arm?"
"You mean my hair?"
"Yeah, you look like a boy."

Children, they know how to boost a person's self-esteem.

Monday, March 25, 2013


Sometimes I have emotions and that scares me a little bit. It is easier not to have feelings. But that is not how I am called to live. But golly, it is so hard. I don't do a very good job of allowing myself to feel. In fact, even though I know I should, I can't and I won't.

Wow. I just got super honest there.

Christ is going to have to change my desires.

Sunday, March 24, 2013


Mom (and Dad for that matter) is an F, a Feeler, while I am a T, a Thinker. (Yes, I am talking about Myers Briggs...again.) I don't need a lot of physical affection or words of affirmation. In fact, often I would rather you not even bother with it. But that isn't very nice for the people that want and need to give it. 

I just walked through the kitchen, on the way to the table to paint my nails, where Mom was cooking and I put my arms around her and kissed her on the cheek. Was that so hard? I seem to think it is. She even mentioned a few minutes later how much she liked her kiss. How selfish am I, that I cannot take a moment to show my mother I love her?

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I have a confession to make, when I stay overnight at someone's house, either house-sitting or babysitting, I am always tempted to use the men's shower products, because they smell so good. I usually give in to that temptation, because they smell so good, and there is no one there to tell me not to do it. And honestly, they smell so good.

two photos

Here are two photos I took during Caitlin and I's walk in the park.

Of course I had to take a blurry photo.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

the woes of an unmade bed

On Saturdays we clean the house and do laundry, which means I have to strip and remake my bed. I always leave the remaking until later. Later is always right when I am going to go crawl in bed, then I am sad because I forgot and now I have to make up my bed, which is the worst five minutes of my week. I don't know why making a bed is so horrid, but it just is. Maybe it is because you have to walk around the bed, seemingly a million times, pulling and tucking covers.

Maybe you will understand my pain when I tell you that a few weeks ago at work, I stripped the five beds and washed the sheets in preparation of the cleaners, but they called and said the wife had a headache so they wouldn't be coming. That meant I had to remake all five of the beds. Not fun. But I survived.

And maybe you will understand my joy when I tell you that on a couple of Saturdays ago, I came home late that night, to find my bed already made. Justine had done it before we left. It was wonderful.

If you want to win my heart, remake my bed.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


I don't feel or act very lovable most of the time. Yet, I still want to be accepted the way I am. I want to be loved. Only Christ loves me like that. And even then, He doesn't allow me to stay the way I am, He requires that I change. That I look like Him. Why do I expect to be loved perfectly by someone else when both of us are sinners in need of grace? Only Christ can fulfill my deepest need. Perfectly.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I just want to sleep. Withdraw from the world until circumstances change so I am happy.

How selfish and unrealistic is that?

It is not about my happiness. And I am never promised an easy life.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

my own home

Every day I want my own home more.

That is not to say I am discontent with my current situation. I love it. I love living with my parents. I love being a nanny. Helping other mothers is a privilege and a joy. But as I pick up other people's children, tidy other people's homes, put in other load of laundry, and clean up spills, I want all of it to be mine. I want to feed my children lunch, wipe my counters, pull weeds in my garden, and create a beautiful home. My home.

I am so excited to start my own life. Every moment of the in-between has been wonderful, but I am ready for it to be over. I don't want it to end tomorrow, but when I think of doing the same at this time next year with no change to my future, I become sad.

I have always wanted to be a mommy. I am ready. (I am certainly not perfect. Nor do I think that I won't continue to mature over the years.)

I don't expect life to start when I marry. I don't expect things to get easier. In fact, I expect them to get harder. Much harder. I will have another person depending on me, and hopefully, at some point, children to look after. I will no longer be merely responsible for myself. I won't have ultimate say in when I choose to go to bed, what I do with my time, and how I spend money. In fact, six months ago, all those things made me quite content to stay where I was. But not anymore.

I want my own garden. I want to paint my own walls. Pick out a sofa. Make floral arrangements.

I think I am still content, just ready for the next step. God knows what I need most right now. In His perfect timing He will give me a husband. Desperation has by no means set in, I am just ready. Quite ready.

I don't hold any illusions that it will be easy. I know how ugly it can get when you have to live with someone 24/7.


I am ready to:
  • Go on coffee dates. 
  • Do projects around the house with a man. You know the kind that you both have your own ideas about how to do it and they don't match up and he had better hurry up because you can't hold whatever it is still another moment?
  • Have someone there to point me to Christ. Even when I don't want to hear it.
  • Enjoy being with someone. And they me.
  • Provide a home for him to come back to.
  • Figure out finances.
  • Eat breakfast together. Quietly.
I love that I can trust God. He is faithful.

Monday, March 11, 2013

sweet and salty

I was at work at seven this morning. I woke at six-thirty. I lay my clothes out the night before and dress in the dark, then I pad into the kitchen for a quick breakfast of toast smothered with peanut butter and then I am out the door.

I showed the kids the alarm I set on my phone to wake me up. They could barely hear it and couldn't understand how I heard it when I have two humidifiers blowing on high speed in my room. What can I say? I am a light sleeper. I actually woke myself up at six this morning because I had my head under the pillow and I knew I wouldn't be able to hear my alarm from there.

The kiddos ate breakfast and we got cracking at school, then we ate a healthy lunch (Nobody minded the peas, but they balked at the fresh carrots. Odd. I know.) and were out the door for various lessons in the afternoon.

I always have fun at their house, the kids know what is expected of them and do it without complaint (mostly) and I get the pleasure of keeping house for the day. They are fun and a joy to be around.

I left at dinner time and headed over to Wendy's for a Sweet and Salty (frosty and fries) I went to a nearby park and ate it and then I was off to another house to watch a few more children.

After fourteen (very nice) hours I came home and Dad had a fire in his fire pit. So I stood outside and soaked up some smoke while I poked at the fire. I liked it a lot.

But now it is my bedtime. I have be at work at seven again.

Monday, March 4, 2013

big hair

I haven't been washing my hair very often. Probably about twice a week or every four days is all it needs. I have been using baking soda and this shampoo to wash it. Then I throw quite a bit of conditioner in it. Throughout the week I might wet my hair and condition it again, but I don't wash it.

It has been working well and my hair has quite a bit of body and curl/wave. At night if I don't shower, I will wet my hair with a spray bottle because I like the way my hair looks after I have slept on it wet.

I haven't been using heat or hairspray either.

I also have been crushing on big hair lately.

So. The other day I decided to see how big I could get my hair.

I used heat, hairspray and I backcombed it.

Sidenote: Maybe I don't know how to backcomb properly or something, but my hair falls out of the backcomb by the next day.

Anyways, this is what I came up with. I thought it was pretty stellar. I probably won't do it again for a very long time, because my poor hair can't take the heat and I am sure it didn't like being backcombed. But I had fun with it. 

My dad wasn't so sure about it, he wanted to know if I really wanted my hair to look the way it did and I informed him that yes, I had actually spent time to get it to look the way it did and I liked it a lot. He raised his eyebrows questioningly but refrained from further comment. I smiled a little smile and left the house quite cheerily.

Friday, March 1, 2013

sister + new lens

           Isn't my sister lovely? Today is her birthday and she is fourteen. Craizness.

          Also, I got a new optic for my lensbaby. The Edge 80. And it is wonderful. It is very similar to a tilt-shift lens.