Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Satisfied

I've been recently informed that this blog is where I write lonely and sad posts about how I wish I weren't single. 
I'm sorry readers, I never meant for it to be this way. (Please read that and laugh, you were meant to.) 
Yes. I have days where I am discontent, apparently that's when I post on here, but in general I am quite content with my life. At least my martial state. I am always looking back and seeing how not ready I was to be married. 
I'm the most selfish. I lay in bed frequently and bless God that I am single and alone with an entire bed to myself. I can do what I want when I want and don't have to answer to a spouse. It's really quite lovely. 
So those of you who read my last post and assumed it was a reminder to myself that God is my only satisfaction not a man, you were mistaken. My lack of purpose in life is causing me angst. I want to know where I'm going in life  I want a job that "fulfills" me and makes me good enough in the eyes of the world. 
It's so silly. I will never be good enough. Only Christ is. And I must rely on Him. 
This semester I've been learning to put stock in God's word and not the world. It hasn't been easy and I am not there yet, but I am getting closer. 
In summary, yes I still desire to be married, it would be so much easier than trying to find a goal and purpose in this life; I could spend my days serving my spouse. But, God hasn't given me a husband and I am truly content in that. God may never give me a spouse, but He has given me His Son and His word. Currently, I'm struggling with wanting the world to pronounce me good enough and worthy of honor. I must rid myself of earthly thinking and look to Christ alone, the only one who will truly satisfy my heart. 

Friday, February 13, 2015

Losing sleep over sleep

I like to pretend that I don't struggle with anxiety or making up stories in my head, but I do. At night, I have to think about certain things to distract myself from worrying about the future. When I am staying over at other people's houses, like I am tonight, it doesn't work. Here I am, laying on the couch trying to sleep. All the kids are sleeping. But I am straining listening for them to move around in their beds or cough. One of them has a cold and had a rough night last night. I've done all I can for her, but I am laying here terrified she will wake up in the night and not be able to sleep. My stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. It's so silly. But real. I've asked Jesus to calm my anxious heart, reminding myself of Psalm 23, the psalm I read this morning. I wish I could escape, but since that's not an option I've turned to distraction, staring at my phone.

I like to think of myself as someone who takes life as it comes, unruffled and accepting. It's not true. God's been showing me that this semester as I have anxiously struggled through, terrified of the future and having to make decisions. I'm afraid to fail. I spent the first half of the day yesterday in misery because it all felt too much and I didn't think I could go on. I've found myself wishing someone would come and rescue me. I'm trusting in man and not in God!

God is faithful. He's proved Himself over and over. I must once again believe Him and trust Him. 

As I've typed this, I haven't heard one peep from the children. So far, my anxiety is for naught. I might as well sleep and if someone does wake up at 3am, I can deal with it then, and with a few hours of sleep under my belt. What's the worst that can happen? I sleep poorly? Not worth losing sleep over, I'd say. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Dad and I went to the Tag Agency to transfer the title of my new vehicle and they thought I was 16 and that this was my first car. Oops.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The past few days have been very social. I've seen people I haven't seen in months and it's been good but it has also a given me a lot to mull over. You'll probably be hearing about it soon, although I don't know if I will process it internally or externally. 

Other news, Sam and Maddie got engaged today and I am so excited for them that I can barely stand it. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I withdrew from my Comp II class and I felt so much relief. Even though I am not getting a penny back and I will have a W on my transcript. This weekend I was so stressed out. It wasn't worth it. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

I am going to be dropping my Comp II class. I missed the deadline to get a full refund, but I am hoping they will give my money back anyway. 
I just can't do it all. I can't take two hard classes and three normal ones. I hadn't even considered dropping until I was talking to my family and they urged me to. The lack of stress I feel after making the decision to drop a class is enormous. I wasn't handling it well this weekend. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

In the previous post, what I was trying to say is, school feels like a royal waste time. I have to spent inordinate amounts of money and spend my so much of my time studying, when I could be out working. I wonder if I have a terrible attitude or am being shortsighted. Maybe I am. But I just don't like it and I feel as though I could be using my time better. 
I just want to do something I love. I don't want to go to school and do homework and study. I hate it. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I believe I stood too close to the fire in the fireplace last night and burned my forearm. It's tender to the slightest touch. 

Saturday, January 17, 2015

I believe my greatest running achievement to be the sheer amount of phlegm I am able to spit up while running. 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

peppermint

                                              A moment of calm. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Hey, remember when I told you we went on a ski trip? Here's a photo of the group. I'm in the pale green cost close to the middle and Justine is second on the far right in the peach-colored coat. 
Last night the three of us sisters, sat around a card table in front of a fire and played a card game. Only most of the time was spent making strange noises and ludicrous faces at each other. We were acting like 8yo boys and it was hilarious. 

Friday, January 9, 2015

Getting back in bed in the morning, after you've already gotten up is one of the most luxurious things in the world. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

I think everyone must have given up Pinterest for New Year because it is super dead. 

in kind

My sisters and I went skiing this past week. We went with the neighbors up the street. I didn't know them very well and it was interesting watching them interact as a family. They knew how to have fun together and enjoy one another. It was refreshing. 

I spent a lot of time observing how they treated one another. They had a general kindness toward one another that, frankly, I have no understand of. 

I am not a nice person. I've known that for a long time and I haven't cared. I haven't wanted to change. My attitude was, if you didn't like me you could get over it or ignore me. 

But that's not love. 

Christ has poured out His love on me and my response should be overwhelming gratitude. That thankfulness should be manifested through me loving others. 

I've asked God to make my life hard for the purpose of growing me. I asked with fear and trembling because I know what I'm about to get myself into. 

I want to learn kindness. I don't want to just be kind. That can be faked. I want to know who I am in Christ and what He has done for me and through that have my motivation be a pure, Christ-centered one. 

God is good to me. He shows me grace and mercy. I must respond in kind.